My 30 day no complaining challenge!

Due to a lack of time, this is going to be a short one. 

Lately, I've become one big complaining pot - and this might even be an understatement. Last year I got to know there's going to be a much dreaded delay in my work visa. Ever since, I have complained about innumerable things - and I'm not getting into details of it. I know that my family has seriously had enough of it, even though the sweet things don't complain. They're just giving me my space to deal with things. And my husband deserves an award for dealing with me the last year or so. But I have had enough. I have complained and complained and complained. And that's always been my thing. I don't complain out loud as much as in my head though. Instead of figuring out a way to make things work or just a way to be happy despite the setbacks in various circumstances, I complain. And I have realized a bitter truth which was not easy. Nobody but me is getting hurt in this. And of course, my husband first and my family after. What is the point of it then? Who's benefitting? If all an action can do is cause harm, then why continue doing it at all? Why now just find a way to make it stop? Have we become so used to complaining, that it might just feel weird if we decide to stop? 

So I am giving myself a very personal challenge - that I will try to not complain for a whole month. In my head or out loud. I know a month is long, but hey what the hell! And for everytime that I do complain, I am going to make some kind of note of it in my phone. And we'll see at the end of one month how I fared. Starting tomorrow, June 21. So the ending date is July 21. 

And this is very important especially in a time when everything's going well. Things are all working out, yes we might not know exactly the status of my work visa yet but I can't do anything about it anyway. And most definitely, complaining's not going to help. I want to be a stronger person mentally and set goals for myself to achieve. And keep on achieving. We're moving to the city soon, where there's going to be a ton more people than the suburb we live in and I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am about this. We're going to have more friends, I'm going to have more things to do! If there's anything that I can do for myself, it's stop complaining and be more positive. And the latter cannot happen when the former still persists. 

Thanks. 

My downsizing journey.

The meaning of this title is very different for me than what it appears to be. I have finally decided to hold myself accountable to losing that last bit of weight and get into that bit of shape that I have been wanting to for so long. Over the past couple of years and especially last 2 years, I have watched myself lose weight with great effort to only put it back on over one holiday or one family visiting us for 3 weeks. My husband and I travel a lot, so I do find myself a lot of times in a situation where I'm out of my regular routine and schedule to keep my exercise going. But this is no excuse to reach my goal weight or my goal body shape and I 'figured' (lol!) it was time I did something about it once and for all.

I don't believe in crash diets at all and I'm not a big believer of dieting in general, but I do believe in healthy eating. I do believe that it is better to eat a tasty salad than a pizza but if I ever do have a craving for some delicious food I'm not supposed to be eating, I will not deny myself one tiny bite. However tiny it might be, I know how to content myself with the taste in one bite. I have so many things I'd like to do but I feel getting into the best shape I can is only going to be the beginning of it. So here I am! Holding myself accountable to post my exercise routine and food journal atleast thrice a week.

Current weight - 125-126lbs
Target weight - 120-121lbs
Target date - (now this is the fun part) - July 15, 2015.
Current date - May 27, 2015

I have about a month and a half to get to where I want and not that I'm in bad shape or anything, I just want to lose those last few pounds that are sometimes the hardest and tone. Keyword here being tone. I have a CPA exam on July 1 so I will excuse myself the last 3-4 days before the exam but nothing more. I currently have a schedule where I work on Tuesdays (6pm-8pm), Wednesdays (9am-4pm) and Fridays (2pm-6pm) and since it's summer our weekends are filled with outdoor activities like hiking and we are hosting friends and families for 3 weekends until July 15. So as you can see, a month back I was complaining I don't have enough on my plate (!!!) and now it's busier than expected. All of the above with studying for a CPA exam, cooking and taking care of a home and exercising and healthy eating.

Anyway, here is a picture from this morning's breakfast of healthy options (omelette with a whole lotta veggies, baked potatoes, fruits and orange juice). See you on the other side of July 15, 2015 with hopefully great results. Did I mention I'm going to be in California then? :D

Love, 

T 

Just be.

They say life is about the journey and not the destination.. they say right. That's because the journey itself is far more enriching and rewarding than the destination. That's because it's the journey that changes you as a person and the person you become at the destination is a result of that journey, of all those experiences and all those ups and downs. And sometimes when we're in the "downs" of life we don't realize what it's doing to us or what it can do to us. And understandably so, because not much is going our way then and what is most needed of us blind faith, and to be very honest, I am not the best at that. But what is crucial is to not overlook how it has changed us after things are all sorted out. Because in my opinion, that's what the journey was about to begin with. The times when we show perseverance in the face of many setbacks, some kind of underlying faith (even a little of it) in the face of absolute fear, and the ability to be able to look at the things going right in the face of many things going wrong.
In my life so far, I can't say that everything has gone my way - I'd be lying because there have been things (and some important ones too) that did not go my way. And coming to think of it, I didn't take away much from it because I don't think I really dealt with it. But I've not really experienced a heartbreak or some big traumatic event that changed me forever. To a great extent, I've been very well taken care of. But what happens with that is that it also doesn't really leave you looking in the depths of your soul - for answers, for strength, for that faith (however little) you have knowing that eventually (but not knowing when) things will work out for the best for you. And today, a little more than 3 months after going through a relatively big setback in my career, I am thankful for the experience. I am thankful to my husband, family and friends for holding my hand everyday and giving me strength to move forward knowing well that there were days I could not find it in myself. Or days when they were just there and just let me be. Because in my eyes, these three months are not about the setback anymore, it represents what I saw in myself and what I found in the depths of my core. The ability to not go into hiding until things "worked out", the strength to face people, the wisdom to enjoy the other things that were working out for me and the gratitude for the people in my life who were there for me. And another thing I learnt, which I've only heard people talk about, is knowing who are the people who truly wish well for you and those who don't. And the litmus test for that is when you see that some people's behavior towards you does not change in any way during your setback - because it was never about what was happening to you in life to begin with. It has and henceforth will always be about who you are. And that's the most liberating feeling - knowing you can just be and they will just be there for you.
But you know what's also most important during the tough phase in life - to be an observer. To speak less and take in more. When things didn't go my way and I met people, I sometimes felt the need to justify my position, or the need to explain to them how it was not the end of my world - on one level reassuring myself when the wounds were still raw but also admittedly on another level to ensure that their perspective of me didn't change. And when I realized that, I tried to stop. I stopped trying to control people's perspective of me in a way. And writing about it now makes me also realize that I actually never really could control that to begin with. And it's also really none of my business. My business in life and on this earth is to live my life the way I want to - keeping in mind my family though. But really nothing else really matters that much. We all have that strength within us to do any thing in life we want to - this whole experience has made me realize that. At one point I remember telling my husband that if this doesn't work out for me I don't think I'll be able to get through it. But somewhere deep down I knew that if this didn't work out, I wouldn't be the same person after it. And I knew that it was going to be in a good way because this would force me to look within in a way I never have before - because at this point I am married and have the responsibility of a house and husband as well, in addition to taking care of myself emotionally. And apart from that, I'm living thousands of miles away from home. It required a lot of strength to get through. It truly did. And it would have been very easy for me to pack my bags and go home and spend my life "recovering" there. But I chose not to. Escapism has never been my style. And I've never believed it in - because it will provide you tremendous comfort that's very short lived - but nothing much to say for yourself or take away for the long term. And you know what the ironic part about waiting for the destination and not enjoying the journey is - sometimes we don't even know that we have arrived. We get so consumed by the "idea" of the destination and the get so lost in the waiting, that we don't even realize we're there already and the waiting is not endless.
But this doesn't just come super easily or naturally also if I may so - you really have to use up every ounce of strength that you have and sometimes it takes you all that to just get through the day and you feel the need to replenish your tank of strength and power. And that's when you just do what you feel like doing - whether it's yoga or pilates, or a good run or a feel good movie or inspirational interviews of other people's journeys or taking a good good holiday or even just getting away when you have the chance to. Because you know the good that will do to you. And don't forget to take the space you need to deal with it. And my biggest strength from all of this - is silence and being an observer. Enough of trying to control or trying to be at the center of things or trying to be the anchor of the ship - let them sail away. In their own direction because none of it was mine to control to begin with. I only have power to live my life and that is more than enough. But be silent, don't talk when you don't feel like it, don't explain yourself when you're just tired of reasoning, don't say anything to fill in the gaps because it's not your responsibility to keep things going. Just be. With all the strength that you have, just be. For as long as you can. Don't quit. Take baby steps, because no matter how small they are, it's a step forward. And don't ever forget to say thanks. And don't lose that faith - wherever in you it might be. At least it's there.
And honestly, I truly am thankful for having gone through this experience. I may never have felt the need to look so deep within otherwise. Or even be the silent observer and realize what they really mean when they say "Silence is golden". It is important in life that things don't always go the way we plan them to - we'd never get a chance to really be the people we can be.

When I decided to 'grow up'

'Grow up' is such an overrated phrase. We hear it from different people so often that it has lost its true meaning now. When people say 'grow up', what do they mean? Do they mean that like age wise 'grow up' or more like a statement, 'grow up'!! like behave like an adult should. But here's the thing -- who defines how an adult should behave and at what age do you really transition from being an adolescent to being an adult? Adults comprise of such a broad age group that a 22 year old can be an adult and so can a 52 year old. But there is a gap of 30 years here, and this is in itself a lifetime. The dictionary defines an 'adult' as someone who is "fully grown or developed". And this is where it gets all tricky. What they mean is fully grown or developed "mentally"-- but we mostly assume that it means "physically". And this is where it gets trickier. It's easy to know if someone is fully developed physically but do we measure mental development/ growth? And just because someone has grown fully physically does not in any way determine their mental growth.
Most of us talk about how time flies and also how we don't understand how we got to where we are.. like when did we grow up?! But the funny thing is that somewhere between being a child and becoming an adult, we were expected to have 'grown up'. And it's not like this happens in one big life changing moment where you realize you've now become an adult. We cam barely keep up with the numbers and life as it goes by after like 20.. but somewhere at some point we should have grown up. Some might say that they have experienced a life altering time where they realized they have grown but that was not the case with me. No big event happened in my life where I particularly felt like something changed and now I'm an adult. Emm, nope didn't happen. So one fine day during my 28 years on this planet when I realized I was only 2 years away from 30 I decided to take things in my own hands and just grow up. And this is how I define being a grown up --

1. To not be insecure about friendships.
2. To be sure about my decisions and choices.
3. To be willing to stand up and accept my choices.
4. To not create problems that are not necessary - more like have peace whenever possible.
5. To manage situations and stress on my own - to the extent possible.
6. Start believing in myself more - if I don't, no one else will.
7. To think for myself a lot more.
8. To understand that I have free will.
9. To stop blaming the past.
10. To dream and enjoy life in all its glory.

Life is like running on a treadmill...

Today while running on the treadmill, some ten minutes into it, I had an epiphany. Around ten minutes is my "breaking point". By that time I have exhausted all of my immediate energy (more like the checking account), feel like I got a "solid" workout and if I choose to continue, I now have to dig into my "reserve". Do I really want to push myself that hard and keep going, even though all my legs and knees want to do is just stop. But today, like always, I chose to continue. Like in life, I decided to move out of my comfort zone and push my limits. I decided to test myself and see how much I could take - and I ended up doing a whole extra mile. I realized that this attitude of being able to keep on going is exactly what we need in life as well - things don't always go the way we want them to, and when they don't - we have to realize that what's most important is just being able to keep on going. Even if for just for one more moment, just one more minute or just one more mile. The important things is to keep going - and you know why! Because when you keep going, you suddenly realize you have all this strength in you that was hidden right behind the facade of uncertainty. And then what happens is just pure magic - you end up doing things you never thought you could. Like run a whole extra mile and still feel like going. 

Why can we NOT have a facebook account?

Recently I saw a friend reactivate her facebook account - after a break of almost 1.5 years and it got me thinking. I really thought she'd never come back on facebook. And she did a pretty darn amazing job of staying out of it for so long.. I've thought of deleting my account numerous times, just like a lot of people on my list I'm sure. And I've seen some friends do a great job of staying out of it for so long, only to see them re-appear and change their display picture to claim their stage and let everyone know 'I'm back!'. What is it about facebook that makes us want to delete or not delete or stay in a dilemma about deleting our profiles?

I do think facebook is entertaining, I really do. Especially staying away from home and a place where all my friends who I've grown up with are, just quickly checking facebook and seeing what everyone's upto makes me feel less alienated from the rest of the world. Even if it's just for a few moments. Having said that and in the same breath, I can't deny that my thought process during some of these times is not the healthiest. I'd be lying if I said that I've never socially compared my life to others', or that sometimes I feel like some of them always look beautiful  and in every picture they're tagged, or that some of them are constantly having fun, or some of them are always traveling to these exotic locations and just living life sans responsibilities.

I'd like to believe I'm an intelligent person capable of good reasoning and analytical thinking. Yes, I'm not perfect and get caught up in small things too - but for the most part I can reason well enough. How much of all that we see on facebook do we really believe to be true? Just for one moment - forgetting all our insecurities, fears, choices, life questions, identity issues - if we think about it logically and look at it through different glasses, what do we really see or think about what we see? How can anyone really be having such an elaborate social life? And even if they do party every day of the week, is that what we really want or count as fun? We all have different definitions of fun, happiness, social circle etc. But why are we living in denial of this difference in our definitions or why do we think that one definition of, let's say, fun - is better than the other? And seriously, how is it possible for someone to look so good all the time? It is humanly impossible to not have a bad-hair-day or look less-than-perfect every single day. I recently read an article with vivid pictures of models before and after their makeup and photoshop!

After many attempts and thoughts of having or deleting my facebook account, I don't believe that deleting your profile is going to change too much. And as an intelligent race, we have to find a way of dealing with it. So next time you log on to facebook and see all these statuses and pictures of people, stop and think. Think about what makes you happy, think about all the times you've looked beautiful, think about all the gorgeous places you've traveled to, think about 'that night' when you had the most fun.

That cuppa coffee in the rain, that favorite Thai dish, that beautiful dress which makes you look more gorgeous, that dinner with that special someone, that glass of wine, that run on the treadmill, that friend who just gets you, that conversation about life and dreams, that memory which instantly puts a smile on your face.

Let's use this insane social media in a more responsible way, of making others smile, of sharing knowledge/ideas/thoughts, of just being plain authentic. Who are we all trying to fool anyway?